My Journey as a Alienated Parent

7th Xmas coming up

2011-11-20T23:02:00.001-08:00

Xmas means nothing to me anymore. It's my seventh Xmas trying to get my kids together, but after last years debacle I will not try again. So fuck Xmas sorry folks but I need to be genuine and if that offends you well sorry. So this year it's just me and my new wife and we'll just have a easy day or two together.

is there a secret to moving on in life and leaving the pain in the past ?

2011-09-12T23:14:00.001-07:00

Yes, there's always a chance of bringing my past problems into my new life. Having a desire to change my future means strategically planning why it will be different, how it will look, and how it will feel. Firstly. I had to realise that there are some things I cannot change, I cannot control, and I cannot worry about anymore. Then realise that secondly, I need to leave those things in the past and not them come into my present or my future and affect me here. Sounds simple I know, but it's so true and effective when realised and dealt with. Rejection suffered by anyone is real and has a potential to affect present and future life and relationships (if you permit it). Being rejected by loved ones isn't easy to deal with, but after a while it does become easier. Seeking help and learning how to cope and hope is a real key. Being aware that you don't have all the answers nor strategies to help yourself is a first big realisation. One big step for the rest of your life. Asking for help. Admitting you don't know where to go next. It's probably called growing and maturing is self awareness.

hard to explain and hard to know when

2011-07-14T00:14:00.001-07:00

sometimes I break down and cry till I am curled up in a ball dry reaching and heaving in pain for my kids

Pat

2011-05-17T19:06:00.001-07:00

I am for once now not hiding my identity about my name and my children. Pat is 10 soon. My youngest of seven. We are close. We spend 2 days and nights together every fortnight. Parental alienation hurts everyone. I see him here and I love him so much and miss him so much. And I see the hurt and pain and confusion in him being used to alienate me. I miss my other children so much. They made it clear they aren't interested in me or my new life. I will never give up though.

PAS never dies it seems

2011-05-10T18:49:00.001-07:00

I have no ways of communicating to my youngest son now except through another of his sibling's mobile phone. Their home phone is disconnected and has been for a while. I am not sure whether they have a new line or not. His mum's phone was also disconnected and she rarely answers my calls or messages. I do, however, receive messages from her when she wants money. I see my son every fortnight and he stays over 2 nights. He has his own space and room and loves coming over. Each time he goes home now I miss him very much. I recorded (DVD) and role-played a conversation with my ex-wife in college. I raised the topics of money, communication and alienation. My college team member was briefed and I was able to have a conversation that actually provided some mutual benefits and outcomes for all involved. It was a reflective experience being able to see myself on screen and how I communicated. I felt like I was actually talking to her. This has helped me enormously.

Worldwide activity about Parental Alienation

2011-02-10T16:40:00.000-08:00

I have joined several social networking sites with the view to stay in contact with people around the world focussed on Parental Alienation. It is gaining a large awareness everywhere. I was encouraged years ago to keep a blog mainly for my own development, education and care. Linking up with other parents has been good. There are some that focus on other tangents and areas of family and parenting.

I was encouraged years ago to keep a blog mainly for my own development, education and care.

I have to completely rebuild my schema as a man, a father and a partner. I am sure many parents would concur that the way your life was built from childhood has to be questioned and analysed. How we were raised is not necessarily how we would raise our own children. We all make mistakes and try to do our best.

It's just a shame that children suffer in families of all forms. Alienation is NOT only a result of divorce nor separation. It does exist in happy marriages. Once I become aware of Parental Alienation and its devastating affect on families, parents and children I was horrified. Once aware you see it in daily life, on the streets, in public transport, on media everywhere.

It seems our human race is hell-bent on destroying relationships of any kind.

Parental Alienation. The list of guilty include both men and woman.

2011-01-03T13:48:00.000-08:00

It has been used as a tool or weapon if you like, to win residency battles, to further financial reward from the split up and in a very high percentage of cases, to simply punish the targeted parent for whatever pathetic reason the perpetrator may have.

False allegations of abuse, including sexual abuse, levelled against the targeted Parent by the perpetrator, seem in many cases to go hand in hand here, again as a tool and again mostly unchecked.

There does not seem to be any recourse under normal circumstances for the targeted and for the damage done to the children, and there certainly does not appear to be procedures in place to arrest the situation on an urgent basis.

If the abuse is allowed to remain, often the targeted and the children's relationship is severed and the children develop behavioural problems in time, as a result.

It is hard to figure out why a parent would subject their siblings to this kind of abuse, as any parent who does is nothing short of a bad and undeserving parent and is in fact a disgrace to parenthood and for those of us who have or are still going through it, we may never know why.

There are many things that we can do to minimise the effects, the most important being to gather ourselves up in such a way that we might be able to make some positive impact on the situation, but there is one thing for sure and that is that if we don't try and go about it the right way, we will not make a difference.

The aim of this gender neutral site is to help those targeted and the children subjected to it, because if we do not help the children then in a way we are abandoning them to the evil ways of the abuser and throwing away any chance of a reasonable relationship as well as allowing the negative aspects of Parental Alienation to have effect on the children's lives.

It must be remembered that it is always better to promote peaceful resolution rather than conflict and this site is for those that find themselves in a position where they have no option but to fight due to the actions and attitudes of the other person.

The founder of this site has been to hell and is on the way back, but accepts that you can never get back totally as there will always be some damage done along the way. The founder also accepts that life will never be the same and has made mistakes largely due to over trusting others, ignorance and being too emotionally involved, that have cost in various ways.

If this site can help you into not making some of the same mistakes that I and others that i have spoken to have, and assist you and your children towards a better outcome, then it will have been all worth while.

I have learnt that the best thing you can do for yourself and your children is to follow some very important do's and don'ts that are in part published over various sites, available here on the "you must" and "you must not" pages. Most of these have been learnt by the author in one way or another, but all are very appropriate to the task of helping yourself and your children, please have a look.

The author also believes to be better armed to combat alienation, you first must have a good understanding of what it is. For this, I recommend that you take a look at this UK site, http://www.parental-alienation.info/ you will find literature on many aspects of Parental Alienation.

Now to you ... You must, however hard it is and as much as possible, step outside the emotional circle that you are in, it is very difficult to be able to make correct observations and decisions from within that circle. It is easier to make them looking in from the outside, and you need to be as objective and as accurate as possible, if you are going to make a difference.

The only way you are going to get any change to the situation is through your own effort and commitment, do not expect others to make change unless you initiate and follow through, others will help and support you along the way, but if you back off, so will they.

Many find joining a support group invaluable, but be ever vigilant of gender specific negativity that can exist in some groups, you do not need to be a man or woman hater as this will only poison you and detract from your task.

You need to survive first, you are the most important person to look after in this situation, if you go down you will not be able to help your children. You will need "time out" from the situation and you must take it, do not allow yourself to be completely enveloped by the situation, do not "live it" 24/7 or it may destroy you and any friendships, relationships etc that you may have left.

Generally, people do not want to see or hear you talk about nothing other than your situation all the time, they will tire of it, so don't overly subject them to it or they may avoid you.

If you are innocent of any abuse accusations do not be threatened by them, stand up for yours and the children's rights and for justice.

what you overhear

2010-12-22T23:51:00.001-08:00

Today on the bus I overheard two young women discussing what there were buying for their dad at xmas. Looking at this objectively and thinking "Isn't that nice". My daughters wouldn't be discussing things like this. How far removed are they from each other? It doesn't matter. I checked my feelings on the bus and looked at what response I used to give a situation like this before. People say, just move on mate. Yes, easier said that done. I bought a beer on the way home and the barman said he wasn't looking forward to xmas day and having to spend it with strangers (his family) he only sees twice a year. I think some of my kids are now "strangers".

Xmas is a strange time. It means nothing to me spiritually anymore. After 10's of years of believing it did I feel no regret. My kids all say I've changed and my values and morals have changed. I agree totally. I say I have become who I really am. That annoys them no end. Usually with rolled eyes or snickers. But seriously xmas and the commercialism that binds it is a joke. What is good about it is what it means to my 9 year son. Now that is what I enjoy. Seeing his face light up with excitement. That I can share in.

I will now see him on Xmas day in the late afternoon and he'll stayover a night. I can't imagine what he feels sometimes.

I will never give up though

The aftermath of the meeting with 6 of my 7 children a few weeks back is still seeping through me. What conclusions I draw from this is clear now though. They don't want to see me and my new wife. I have alienated myself from them. Their mum never says a bad word about me. They don't accept me now, nor trust me now, nor even want to say that they love me. I'm sick of bashing my head in over this. I will never give up though. But I will give up on bashing myself up over it emotionally.

From the "Pogues" - happy chrisrmas you arse !!

People say "never give up" and "time is a healer"

2010-12-20T19:57:00.000-08:00

Where to now? They are all very hurt, angry and don't trust me. They don't want to see me with my new wife over Christmas or any other time together. I'll never give up, although they believe I gave up 7 years ago. They tell me that I alienated myself from them and that their mum has never said a bad word about me.

I have had serious anxiety and post-PAS stress this past week.

My door is always open to them. I will always be ready to talk, to listen. For now it seems my only contact will be when and if they are ready. It will appear like I don't care. But they have re-set the boundaries.

In a sense I am glad it has come to a head like this. I am glad I heard my ex-wife slamming me and my wife. I am glad I now have proof of what she says to my children. I am glad I have evidence of the harsh and damaging alienation. She denies it. They all support her and deny my claims. All I can is try to educate them, but even that has been shot down in flames.

I have documented the 90 minutes of our meeting last week. I have documented every word that everyone said as best I can.

I have tried to move on after this, but every now and then when I slow down or something triggers it, I am overwhelmed and wished sometimes I could switch off. They are all old enough to make their own decisions. I respect that. I am saddened by the weight of anger and of the alienation dealt out by their mum and blamed on me. I am not responsible for this, she is though.

I still have my 9 year old son, who delights in our time together. He is being used as a pawn in her game. She said to him (when I overheard from a phone left off the hook) "I will not stop you seeing your dad at Christmas, you know you can go whenever you want, but I will miss you badly on Christmas morning". My son accepted her manipulative control. He has been dragged into this now. That is wrong.

Meeting with 6 of 7 children

2010-12-14T15:55:00.000-08:00

It's going to be hard to write here exactly what happened as I am still digesting and disseminating what happened last night. As a result of my over hearing how my ex-wife alienates the children against me I demanded a meeting with the kids. It was shifted a day but I was impressed they all turned up.

It was the start of a lengthy healing process that "maybe" would lead further to reconciling our differences and re-starting a father-child relationship. But, I had no intentions or desired outcomes other than to start something.

I told the kids how I overheard their mum. I told them how shocked but not surprised to hear her talk about me, my wife and my sister in a lying derogatory way.

Alienation comes in many forms and severity but this was pure, clever and so damaging. Hearing the way she talks about herself being in trouble and her complete co-dependency on the children confirmed to me how the children have been conditioned to support and protect her and look for the reason why she is so depressed, unhappy and looking for help. The children have to live with her, they have to support her, she has the ability to shed her emotions very strongly onto other people. When I was married to her I likened it to a heavy form of oppression. Perhaps that was a fault of not having strong personal boundaries for myself. As a "passive pleaser" I drew this out of her freely and willingly.

But imagine if you can the sight of sitting at a table with 6 children with red eyes, crying, shouting and telling me how much they hate me, but love me also.

The crux of the meeting came when my oldest son said when he comes home to find his mum curled up in bed balling her eyes out in total desperation and how this deeply affected him and made him feel that exact same way. And likewise when she's in a good mood, so is he. They all nodded in agreement. They further added that I was the cause of this and how could I manipulate and treat such a wonderful human being like this.

This spoke strongly to me. My ex shares everything with the children. They deny she does this. The protect her at all lengths. When I asked them how did these bad things they repeated that I abuse her with money, and that I should be looking after them (financially and morally).

It shows my ex-wifes total refusal to move on in life, to accept her situation, and let the children go from her damaging ways. He co-dependency on them will kill them.

No matter what I said it was shot down. They had an answer or a rebuttal for everything.

I went there to expose my ex-wife for what I heard her say and then to start the education process about Parental Alienation. But they dismissed both as here-say and not legitimate.

They laughed and snickered at me and thought I was smug, self-righteous and indignant. They told me I was the one that alienated myself from them. I did lay down the law with the total lack of respect for me as their father, but this was shot down and my own fault.

There's a whole more to what happened and over these few weeks it will make more sense. I have no idea what will happen now. I did feel myself saying goodbye to some of them. One of them wanted to kill me he was so angry.

It was terribly sad to see how see how bad they were.

This is the reality of Parental Alienation and its thorough destruction of a once loving, healthy, vibrant father-child relationship.

Direct Proof I am being Alienated from My Children !

2010-12-04T21:17:00.001-08:00

Well after trying to civilly organise a time for my youngest son to come over either on Xmas Eve or Day for a meal and a sleepover, all hell has broken loose.

My ex proceeded to scream and shout, and the old useless arguments came forth. Then when she thought she had hung up on me she left the phone turned on and I then overheard 35 minutes of the most damning and nasty alienation of me, my character, my new wife and my sister to my children and someone on the phone.

I guess this comes as no real surrpise. But I was still astounded at what I heard. I called her back and confronted her and she was silent (for once). What's worse is that now my youngest son (aged 9) has now been dragged into this muddy mess.

She promised she would never do this again. But I fear she is addicted to this. Her very co-dependency on the children will not permit her to forget and leave the anger and hurt aside and move on in life.

The children are now lying to me to protect her. This is normal for alienated children.

She has ruined them.

I demanded a meeting with all the children. It may happen. Booked for next week.

More to come.......

Xmas ?

2010-12-02T18:45:00.001-08:00

What's all the fuss about?

This is my 7th year since separation, divorce and re-marriage. My 7th attempt to get together with all my children, who all live within 45 mins drive. Last year I had to leave my new wife in the car around the corner in the rain while I sat inside their home for 2 hours with 6/7 of my children. Most of them ignored me. We exchanged gifts.

My ex-wife continues to alienate the children from me. The damage is getting deeper and deeper. She seems hell-bent on never relaxing or stopping her abuse.

I am trying to get my youngest son over on xmas eve or xmas day, which so far has never happened. This year he has come over every fortnight which is great.

Xmas used to mean so much to me, but looking back it's all about-face. Yes, I have changed. It was faith driven, family driven, a pretense to put aside all our differences and forget for one day. There's a huge white elephant in my parent's family that no one wants to address. I cannot pretend anymore nor be a part of them.

5 days with my young son

2010-10-09T00:12:00.001-07:00

This past weekend my son stayed over for 5 days after a 3 days stint in the hospital again with Asthma. I was handed a bag full of medicines and a schedule of when to take what med.

"Marcel Proust's asthma was an expression of the dilemma of being suffocated by his mother's love. He breathed in too much air (love) and was not allowed to exhale the superfluous air (control), that is, to rebel against his mother's engulfing claims." This was taken from the acclaimed book, The Body Doesn't Lie by Dr Alice Miller.

I had asthma as a child, maybe a bronchial asthma, offset by anxiety, stress and the need to be loved by my parents. 2 years ago I threw my asthma puffers away. With a combination of meditation, breathing and discovering the "black dog" of asthma I have 100% rid myself of asthma.

When my little son is in hospital and cannot help but know this is a direct result of his mother. My son and his mum depend on his sickness. He gets sick to get her attention and she panders to his sickness cause it justifies her as a mother. It also supports her views and emotions of being alone and having the need to spousalise him in my absence.

When he stays with me he never gets sick, he never gets asthma. We talk about the times he "was" with asthma and we try to work out where it comes from and why it happens. His reliance of needing to take tablets and puffers is sad. He has a fear now that if he doesn't take his meds something bad will happen. To make it worse when he does go to hospital (and I am not told) he is further pandered to by nurses and doctors. They refuse to discuss the "causes" of asthma with me and I have been accused of abusing the hospital staff by his mother.

Anyway, we had a glorious 5 full days together. It's the first time in 6 years he has stayed more than 2 days at a time. When he went home his mother send me a text message "Thanks for looking after him, and I need more money". As if I as a father wouldn't look after him. He is my son. The curse of money is what this is all about.

Still no word of answer from my older daughters to connect again. They left me with the cutting words, "unless you pay our mum on time and the right amount of money every fortnight don't bother seeking a relationship with us". I will never give up.

My daughter's request...

2010-08-25T15:58:00.001-07:00

It's hard to know what to do when my beautiful young daughter wants some money towards her 16th birthday party and wants to invite me as well. She has invited me to come to her 16th Party. She asked if I could take some photos. I doubt whether my new wife will be invited. Would I really want to subject my new wife to an environment (as in my ex-wife) like this anyway? So I asked her back if she was also invited? My children will always exclude her.

Like last xmas, where the only way I could see my children was to leave my new wife in our car, parked around the corner, in the rain for 2 hours, while I saw my kids in their home. The two older ones didn't say hello, nor talk to me, no food was offered but gifts were received.

My little son accepts her (to a degree). My children repeatedly ignore my invitations for dinner, coffee, catch up for beers etc. I'm stuffed if I ignore this and let it go, I am equally stuffed if I keep asking and inviting. For the sake of my own sanity, wellbeing and health maybe I should just give up. I want to help my daughter enjoy her 16th birthday. So what if the only time she contacts me is when she wants something. That's ok. What's changed? At least she feels comfortable to ask me. That's ok. She can't really invite my new wife. She knows it will offend her mum. She has to live with her mum, not me. So she loses as well. Because she wants me there as her father. But why should I go without my wife? So I lose as well. If my ex-wife would just move on, accept things, and leave everyone alone.... But no she has to hang on to pain, suffering and share it all around.

my son's school's philosophy

2010-08-17T03:31:00.001-07:00

This was pasted into my son's school weekly newsletter....

"A child without the closest of relationships with both mum and dad is so obviously disadvantaged… any politician who asserts that both fathers and mothers don‟t make their own unique and irreplaceable contribution betrays a child's best interests. Of course a

single parent can successfully raise a child or family, but it is not easy and it is not normally meant to be that hard. Thank goodness, we know from our faith that when there are extra challenges there is extra grace to cope. But it is never easy and the ongoing support and encouragement by each of us for families in our midst who have lost a parent, or in which a parent is absent, are so important. Please read this also as a plea to parents who may be struggling at times with their own relationship that they mutually seek effective assistance before the Rubicon is crossed. Where there are two wills there is always a way."

Basically avoid any separation or divorce at all costs. This guy is single, yet an authority on married life.

This school has no perception nor understanding of separation or divorce. I have been alienated from this Catholic school and it's principles. When I first separated my (then) wife completely damaged all my relationships with teachers, parents and friend associated with the schools my sons and daughters attended. In the 4 years preceding my separation I faithfully attended Catholic Mass every day (even when I was overseas on work) and sought spiritual guidance from the school's chaplain.

Their ethics and moral standards have no room for people like me. None of them even attempted to contact me to offer help or friendship. Most people called me to either judge me or try to get me to get back together with my (then) wife.

My existence challenged all their beliefs and values. Therefore I was excommunicated totally from their comfy, sect-like community. Actually this was a huge blessing for me as it totally opened my eyes to the absolute hypocrisy of the people in the Catholic church.

good weekend, dealing with my feelings

2010-08-01T16:09:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to meet my older daughters on Saturday but there was no response to my calls or massages until after the event had passed that she was sick, but no contact with the other. Looking back I was not surprised, but maybe a bit used to this. I had my youngest son stay over and we get on extremely well. We did lots of excited interesting things and he commented that it was the best day ever. I fairly much let him call all the shots. We have took some more photos together and I showed him how a darkroom works, making film and prints. He is very accepting of my new wife and they are starting to get on well together. He's very polite and talkative with her which makes me happy. After he's gone I feel empty, but I am ok with that and try to befriend those feelings, not shun them away like I used to. I realise that most of my own feelings, emotions, desires & dreams are all fuel for my photography, and that's great I have a way to express it all...

OOOOPS HOLD ON, I've been blown out of the water

2010-07-15T18:42:00.000-07:00

Why do I bother? After last night and feeling elated I am now blown to bits and sinking in my own pool of vomit, piss and bile.

I have just been told (by my adult daughters in an email) that unless i fix the money problems my ex-wife has I will not have a relationship with my children. This is what was said....

"You don't need to reply to this letter but these are just some of the things that might have to start changing if you want to have a relationship with me and the other kids."

Ok, so now I am being emotionally blackmailed that IF I want to have any form of relationship I have to supply more money... Nice, so I am just a A.T.M.

BREAK THROUGH !

2010-07-15T15:27:00.001-07:00

After another attempt to see if my adult daughters wanted to see me I finally got a response to catch up with them both at one their home. I didn't know where she lived and she freely gave me her address. I knew I had to approach them with compassion and empathy and just listen. I suspected it had something to do with money. As this week I was not paid a lot of money and couldn't send their mother the usual $ I send. As suspected their mum had called them (as she does every time) and dumped her stress onto my daughters.

My daughters said that they really wanted a relationship with me. This was a huge breakthrough.

They also said that they believe it was the problem of money that was keeping them from not seeing me regularly. I have known this all along. They were quite sad that there had been a huge gap in our relationships and really wanted to fix it. They expressed a yearning to see me more often. We talked about protecting themselves from their mum's stress and anxiety as anxiety flows freely in my family. I Just listened and asked questions and we talked about everything from relationships, family, divorce, acceptance and their own lives with their own respective boyfriends. They know their mum is volatile and highly strung and try to calm her down but they end up helping her financially when they cannot afford to themselves.

My ex has never really given up alienating my children against me. She evens tries to cloak this by telling them "oh you should see your father more". She has done so much damage. I can see it in their eyes. So sad. But, it is a huge turn around. It's a rebuilding process of getting to know them all over again and they for me as well. I hadn't seen them since December 2009 on Christmas Day, and even then they were very cold and didn't say a word to me all the time I was there while my new wife was forced to sit in the car in the cold for 2 hours in the rain around the corner. They mentioned they were worried about the mum's health. They also were worried about me and said that they wanted to meet my new wife and were sure she was lovely and caring for me. We made another time in 2 weeks to catch up again, and also talked about meeting together with our respective partners for a BBQ or dinner in the near future.

It was a real treat for me and them too. I have never felt so elated and happy. But the damage of Alienation is so evident and true and I will stake my life on the fact that its abuse and not gender based as some femme fatales believe.

So much more of what happened and what it means is still pouring from me at the moment. I will edit this post many times as I remember things and let it sit for a while.

My eldest has moved out of home a while back now. My 2nd eldest will move soon, which is vital for them. My 3rd eldest is a young man at Uni and will also move soon. The 4th is working and I fear she will receive the full force brunt of her mum's stress, anxiety and alienation as the remaining eldest living at home.

My ex has "spousalized" all my children. The shit that I used to have dumped on me has been transferred to all my children. So damning. This makes the children SO ANGRY at me. All they want is for this to stop and they normally saw me as the cause. They just wanted to scream at me because of this. When we were talking my 2nd daughter said she wished her mother could hear this conversation. The fact is she never listens to me properly. She always "talked over the top of me" and never let me get a word in edgeways. I now see that as my fault for not being stronger. But thanks to the nature of being raised by a dominant father I needed to marry someone just like him. I knew no better then.

BUT, now the eldest daughters have realized that I am not a fucked up father, they now realize all along that I am a good man and they have had enough of the shit and want it to stop. They know it's all based over "MONEY" and they know that's ridiculous.

My eldest had tears in her eyes when she said that she and I were so much alike and had so much in common and how she got her creative gifts, especially photography, from me. Her desire was that we could share that together. As we walked to the railway station she confessed that she looks at my photography sites alot to see what I am up to. That really touched my heart.

We hugged and said out goodbyes and I walked home on a cloud. Till next time we meet again. Thanks girls, I love you very much.

This is a great start. Now the journey begins. Finally!

Laughing Baby

2010-07-14T16:44:00.001-07:00

end of suffering

2010-07-11T18:32:00.001-07:00

What is the Noble Truth of the extinction of suffering? It is the complete fading away and extinction of this craving, its forsaking and giving up, liberation and detachment from it - Buddha.

My pain is separation from my children. My suffering is the ache I feel. I can do away with this suffering... The end of my suffering comes through the cessation of my grasping. Grasping in hope at my children. I need to let go of life and just experience it. Let go and live. I need to let go our my children in my pain. I accept this pain and and I befriend it, but I denounce the suffering I put myself through.

death

2010-07-10T18:11:00.001-07:00

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife -- a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.
-- Woody Allen, "The Early Essays," Without Feathers

how does it feel?

2010-07-06T01:26:00.001-07:00

like a empty black hole inside you. My second eldest boy is nearing manhood and becoming self sufficient. Has no interest in me. Will talk but he's just interested in "other things" and I guess I was the same at his age.

what you pick up when your radar is attentive

2010-07-01T21:34:00.001-07:00

heard an interesting thing today - a mother talking to a friend "little Johnny sees his father as a "concept" not so much as a "person"

Reading back over my countless invites to siblings, parents and my children.

2010-06-22T21:49:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I bother sometimes. How many times do I have to ask to interact with my family on any social level. I was looking for a past email today and I bumped into countless invites to things I was involved with, both social and community based and no one even bothers to reply let alone say yes. I am not hanging on to anyone. I have let go of them all now. Otherwise I'd be face down somewhere. I am too confronting for any of them. More than an invisible white elephant that they ignore. I Was told a few times by my parents that I read too many books. I don't have a right to educate myself or learn why our family is so fucked up? Breaking the shackles of this family has been extremely difficult. I may as well live in another country for all its worth.

doubt

2010-06-20T21:58:00.001-07:00

"We must be willing to reside in the midst of this enormous doubt and let it be all right. In fact, we must accept that it may never be resolved and that this will still be all right.

This means that we continually question; we never simply accept the answers others give us. It means that we do not hold on to the answers even when we have discovered them for ourselves.

If we can live with this doubt, we can then be continually ready to be surprised - by life, by ourselves, by our answers, by our experience"

~Philip Martin.

Burnt out wreck

2010-06-16T18:39:00.001-07:00

When you least expect it while working through your day it hits you like a stomach ulcer.... I wonder how my kids are?

I know they never call or answer my contacts. What do I do now?

Seeing other parents with their kids sets me off sometimes.

People tell me "your kids are ok"

Yes I know this but after having had a great relationship with them for 20 years...

now it's a burnt out wreck.

impermanence

2010-06-13T05:00:00.001-07:00

"...our suffering comes from our attachment to people and things, our repeated attempts to find something lasting where there is nothing lasting to be found...."

feeling a cross between fucked up and secure in my beliefs and feelings

2010-06-12T18:30:00.001-07:00

I denounce "fathers day" celebrations anymore. Useless speculative commercialism crap. It comes around next week. Last year I was told "who wants a father like you" by my ex-wife and two of my children. You readers here (if there's anyone) don't know me. I am losing my relationship (as it was) with my children. Alienation is real damage. My young Son is in hospital again. He suffers from asthma. Asthma? Related to stress, anxiety, coping with adult concepts spousalised onto him through his mother. He gets thrown into "emergency hospital" at the drop of a hat now. He has learnt to depend on this for attention, and his mum has learnt to also depend on him getting sick so she can feel wanted and useful as a "single" mother seeking pity and recognition as a woman left by a bastard father high and dry with 7 children. My son knows no better but his mother should know this is a form of abuse. The doctors and nurses only care about treating symptoms and REFUSE to acknowledge the causes as being stress and anxiety related to his home environment. Useless twats. I am trying to reach him that he doesn't need his medication. It will fuck him up for the rest of his life as a black dog that chases him continually. He sucks in too much air and can't release it properly causing the breathing problems. This sucking in of too much air is the sighing and having to "breathe in" adults concepts from his mother's anxiety and need to be recognised as a mother. You may think I am fucked up but I have proof that is is exactly what I have been through myself. Dependencies on other people to feel worthwhile. Think about this. It's wrong.

contact from my kids is still contact

2010-05-17T19:06:00.001-07:00

I guess I shouldn't complain that the only time they call or contact me is when they need money for things. I guess that's normal in any family.

Injustice Collectors

2010-05-12T17:38:00.001-07:00

Everyone wants a slice of me and from me. A good friend said to me that some parental alienators are "Injustice Collectors", in there minds they are victims and you are the perpetrator. How true !

it still scares me when I hear someone's story

2010-05-10T04:22:00.001-07:00

Today I was emailed by a mother experiencing parental alienation again. No matter how many times I hear peoples' stories I am amazed, shocked, horrified and terribly saddened. It's like an empty sick feeling in the pit of your stomach eating away at you.

I really feel for her as a mother who is distanced from her children. Sad isn't it that when we adults try to separate and divorce peacefully, but one just wants to destroy the relationship between the kids an the other parent. I will never understand this in principle but I will do whatever I can to educate adults and children about PAS, as when the damage has been done we cannot undo it, but all we can do is love unconditionally, educate our kids and sometimes we have to fight back. The line between educating our kids about PAS and doing the same to our the alienating parent is a very fine line.

I have battled for 6 years with my 7 children and sometimes it looks like I've given up but I haven't. I still grieve for them and burst into tears and the weirdest times. But in my heart I know I love them and long for that day when we can sit down again. I send them notes and calls of love with no expectation of return. I found talking to others (like we are here) is so helpful. To know we aren't alone suffering a useless plight.

losing them fast

2010-03-26T20:26:00.001-07:00

It seems I've lost 6 of my 7 children. Define lost? Well after a separation and divorce do they need a reason or someone to blame to justify their pain? Even my 8 year old has a stock response to my invitations as "maybe" or "we'll see". I wonder where that comes from? They call when they need something and only seem to answer my phone calls to them on their birthday. What's keeping me in Australia? The older ones couldn't give a rat's rear end. They never call, or answer my calls, or hang around when I come over to their home, one has even changed his surname on facebook to his mother's maiden name. I see direct relation to my own parents and how their family operates. I don't need any of this. My ex refuses to acknowledge the marital debt that I am being pursued over and I will be bankrupt soon, then they can all fight over whats left. Some idiot said to me "our past has long shadows as a result of our actions" I replied "well turn the fucking light off you self shamed guilt ridden catholic".

All they want is money. Money is what it is all about. Dad's bank, Gravy Train Driver. No more. No more.

P.S. photo random street photo from Mardi Gras

Weekend with my youngest son - Equilibrium Is Restored

2010-03-21T18:02:00.001-07:00

We had a great weekend together and I am watching him grow physically and mentally. I take lots of photos of him more to preserve the preciousness of the moment not to reminisce.

We talk together a lot about boys and mens stuff. In a quiet moment when we are doing something, or sitting down, he'll just say "Love ya Dad". It surges in my heart like a fountain.

This weekend we did lots of fun things and I let him choose everything. We caught a bus into the city as he wanted to go for a long scooter ride. He called the shots where we went and what we did and actually I had a ball and completely let go. People say he like me and he is but I felt like him this weekend as well. Two peas in a pod. I need to be careful though....

I sometimes felt a complete failure as a father as I've indicated earlier here in the blog. (what is a blog?) Now I know I am a great father.

So, I need to careful that I am not trying to compensate for this inaccurate description of myself by trying to attach again to my children.... If this makes sense? I need to let go as much as I want to spend more time with him. The more I see him, the more comfy it feels and the more I miss him.

Letter to my adult daughters

2010-03-07T17:34:00.001-08:00

Hello girls
I don't know how to say this except to say that I know you are busy with your own lives and I am glad you are both moving on in life and creating a life for yourself. I hope you are happy.
I try to call you and talk to you both but I sense you are not ready to talk to me yet. Is this right? If so, I respect your wishes. For whatever reasons you may feel this way I hope one day you feel better about talking to me again.
I am always here if you want to talk or catch up.
I will love you always regardless of how you may feel about me.
I will let you decide to contact me when you want to.
love
Dad

father & son weekend

2010-03-07T02:01:00.001-08:00

My youngest son (8) had a school camp for fathers and sons. We had a great time for two full days. After I dropped him at his home I came home hand cried like a baby in the shower for 20 minutes. I miss him so much.

my two older children still will not talk to me

2010-03-03T02:33:00.001-08:00

I try every week to make contact somehow but fall on my arse each time. I have no expectations cause I get upset if I did. But why am I such a father that doesn't deserve some response. What do I have to do? I am not a failure as a father.

When will they ever acknowledge my attempts to contact? None of the others call either. Well except when they need money.... I see photos of them and I instantly see changes in growth. It's ripping my insides apart. I want to die.

fine line between moving on and hanging on

2010-02-14T15:02:00.001-08:00

6 years on I have changed. I still see my younger children. The older ones do there own thing and contact me when they need money. That's a basic reality, or a sense of reality? Am I hanging on to my kids to salvage the fact that I have been accused a failure as a father? Can I let them go? They need to stand alone. Can I live overseas for 3 months at a time and believe that I am not abandoning my kids? They do need to see me moving on (and they have so far). They want to see me happy and strong. I never talk negatively, especially about their mother. Sometimes I have to set the truth right though. My life is coming to another crossroads. The words of the song mean so much more now than they ever did.

Standing at the crossroads, trying to read the signs
To tell me which way I should go to find the answer,
And all the time I know,
Plant your love and let it grow.

I was calling my youngest every day to maintain contact but it's too much. He's like, "yeah what now dad". In the family law courts and the media (fucking media) they are debating whether kids need equal shared parenting time. There's a reasonable debate. My eldest are now at the age I was when I was first married. They don't talk to me much. I send messages nearly every week. Do I sit in a emotional cave waiting for them, or do I move on with life while remaining totally open to them and loving them (intangibly) unconditionally?

Daily Emotions

2010-02-02T14:01:00.001-08:00

emotionally sometimes I feel like im living on the land, looking for food every mealtime, meaning that I have to hunt and catch my dinner, not that its a problem, sometimes its a new discovery, sometimes it's tiring and relentless

I wrote a letter back to my ex-wife's Practitioner of Family Disputes and Resolutions (another Lawyer)

2010-01-26T22:51:00.001-08:00

It was good for me to respond to this letter I was sent. I have displayed the letter on my private blog. It's good to fight, to stand up for yourself, too long was I a "pleaser" seeking recognition. The only recognition they will get now is a real good dirty fight ! These vultures suck $55,000,000,000 a year from the poor Australian families who have to use the Family Law system. That sucks. It's just not right !

{edited} a few weeks ago in April I asked my Ex-wife for the first time whether she had heard back from her lawyer and she responded, "yes we got your letter full of lies, how disgusting"

She still shows no responsibility nor acknowledgment for her ownership in the marriage breakdown, divorce, alienation of my children and the debts of the marriage. All that matters now is money, everything is related to money, her fear of being totally abandoned, left high and dry financially, so alienating the children from me seems a natural fault of mine not hers. Thats the logic I lived under for years. Useless to fight against that, but even though she's damaged my relationship with my children I still fight to see them....

Gravy Train Express

2010-01-21T19:53:00.000-08:00

I am an engine driver for the gravy train, I didn't know how many freeloaders I had hooked on the train until my life turned a corner allowing me to see who was linked at the back around the curves.

Recently I received a letter from a Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner demanding a response to his letter (my ex-wife's demands to double the Child Support Allowance {CSA} and give her a lump sum of half the value of my business) or they would commence legal proceeding against me in the Federal Magistrates Court. Threats of more legal harassment continue to hound me. We've been divorced for over two years now and what she doesn't realise is that I pay over and above the CSA limit (cause I want to) and that income comes from the business she wants to decimate, and I am still paying off ex-marital debts that she refuses to take any ownership.

money versus children = legal vultures rule supreme

2010-01-17T14:10:00.000-08:00

When two people separate and divorce usually one is so bitter they will destroy what they can out of anger, retribution, vengeance and greed to satisfy their deep inner feelings of abandonment, self-disgust, pity-seeking, and overall learned helplessness and use children in the process as the mightiest weapon of all, and to top that off the legal industry will make a fucking killing sucking the blood from what leftover assets the failing marriage had in the first place. Go figure. Where is the justice in that? Our family law legal system needs a re-boot. Toss out the barristers and judges that continue to grow fat from this. One day in court while I was in a hearing I overheard a barrister say to his client, "Look I never drink coffee from cardboard cups, but I will make an exception for you"

This photo is taken just a 100 metres from the Family Law Courts in Sydney....

Looking back over Christmas

2010-01-17T14:01:00.000-08:00

Time is a good healer of thoughts and emotions and anxieties (sometimes). Some people have asked me why I don't reveal my name and my children's names... I guess its because I want to protect them. But now all the damage has been done I need to educate them, so they can see for themselves what happened and what they can do about it. Anyway, on xmas day my eldest and I agreed (to compromise) that I attend their home alone (while my beautiful new partner/wife waited in the car around the corner in the rain) to see 6 of the 7 for 2 hours. As hard as this was for me it was a good start. I felt like I was MEETING SOME OF THEM ALL OVER AGAIN. Forgotten was the many years as I watched them grow up. Alienation has destroyed and changed these memories into forgotten nightmares.

christmas

2009-12-23T02:27:00.000-08:00

Satie: 3 Gymnopédies - Lent Et Douloureux

People say lets put aside all our differences and problems for one day and pretend everything is ok. To those suffering alienation and separation from their children the pain slams into you and reduces you to a puddle of tears, vomit and blood. The starting of a healing process of rebuilding the lost, damaged, destroyed and ridiculing of alienation is a very hard and bone grinding experience, and you have to bite your tongue, swallow your own vomit and move on and listen to your children and not speak..... to those who cause that damage all I say is "why"

Unwinding to relaxation and reflection VS winding up to stress and tension

2009-12-20T15:29:00.000-08:00

Questions that I was advised to ask myself about 2009, and towards 2010

How do I feel about this year ending, and why might I feel that way?
How ready to I feel to begin the New Year ahead?
What have been some of the major difficulties and challenges of this year?
What have I learned from these difficulties; what might I need to learn from them so as to not repeat them next year?
What have been some of the significant sources of happiness and joy this year?
What have I learned from these happiness’s and joy’s such that I can engage and encounter them in the New Year?
What remains to be completed and fulfilled that I may need to continue with into the New Year?
What needs to be Let Go of either externally or internally so as to approach the New Year with less external clutter or internal calm and space?
Anything else worthy of consideration or reflection from this year 2009?

why am I doing this?

2009-12-19T18:38:00.000-08:00

It started as a way to express myself and get things down on paper. It's kind of helpful for me to express my feelings and emotions. But why here on a blog ad why public? I guess because all my life my family taught me to hide emotions and feelings and pretend they didn't exist or in the church's point of view it was for my own salvation and it was good to sacrifice. I cannot look myself in the mirror now and ignore who I am and what I am feeling. I have changed. I have become the real man I always was but could never become. I don't blame anyone. I love certain people in my life but I do not like them. Problems in marriage, defacto's and parenting need to be discussed. I need to show you whats happening in my life. People need to be educated and made aware of what we do to our children and how our parents treated us.

The Gravy Train

2009-12-15T14:18:00.000-08:00

Etymology

The word gravy by itself was used prior to any attestable use of gravy train to characterize 'cushy' situations.

a good weekend

2009-12-15T14:14:00.000-08:00

Well I laid down the law and told my ex, they are coming over for the weekend, I'll be there at this time, period. A full weekend also with 2 cousins that my youngest two get on with very well. Swimming, walking, eating and drinking everything, movies, playing in parks and my fav, sitting on the kerb with them all eating ice creams and just talking. Nirvana in my debt-drowned, alienated, fucked-up world !!

Differentiation

2009-12-08T14:13:00.000-08:00

Self-Differentiation (a term coined by family therapy pioneer, Murray Bowen) is a progressive, internal interplay between autonomy (separation) and connection (togetherness) while progressing toward developing and known goals.Being an authentic adult is hard work and a never completed task. The pathway is paved with difficulty and challenge.To become an adult, every person faces the task of the differentiation of self .Not to differentiate is to fuse (the failure to become a separate person) with others and to place responsibility on others (or on situations, predicaments, and hurdles) for the way in which our lives develop. To differentiate is to provide a platform for maximum growth and personal development for everyone in your circle of influence.Differentiation is described in many ways in the following points:

Growing in the ability to see where and how I fit into my family, the position I hold and the power that is and is not given to that position.
Growing in the ability to be fully responsible for my own life while being committed to growing closer to those I love.
Intentionally developing, at the same time, autonomy and intimacy. In developing autonomy I set myself towards achieving my dreams and ambitions. In developing intimacy, I allow those close to me to see and know me as I really am.
Being willing to say clearly who I am and who I want to be while others are trying to tell me who I am and who I should be.
Staying in touch with others while, and even though, there is tension and disagreement.
Being able to declare clearly what I need and requesting help from others without imposing my needs upon them.
Being able to understand what needs I can and cannot meet in my own life and in the lives of others.
Understanding that I am called to be distinct (separate) from others, without being distant from others.
Understanding that I am responsible to others but not responsible for others
Growing in the ability to live from the sane, thinking and creative person I am, who can perceive possibilities and chase dreams and ambitions without hurting people in the process.
Growing in the ability to detect where controlling emotions and highly reactive behavior have directed my life, then, opting for better and more purposeful growth born of creative thinking.
Deciding never to use another person for my own ends and to be honest with myself about this when I see myself falling into such patterns.
Seeing my life as a whole, a complete unit, and not as compartmentalized, unrelated segments.
Making no heroes, taking no victims.
Giving up the search for the arrival of a Knight in Shining Armour who will save me from the beautiful struggles and possibilities presented in everyday living.
Paying the price for building, and living withing community.
Moving beyond “instant” to process when it comes to love, miracles, the future, healing and all the important and beautiful things in life.
Enjoying the water (rather than praying for it to be wine), learning to swim (rather than trying to walk on water).

Our level of Differentiation determines our ability to define and express a clear sense of our identity in relation to our partner. By "clear sense of identity" I mean who we are, what we think, what we feel, what we want. The level of our differentiation determines our ability to hold on to that clear sense of ourselves even under pressure or in the face of rejection, criticism, or conflict.

Our level of Differentiation determines our ability to "self soothe", i.e., quiet our anxieties, manage our emotions, worries, and reactivities in an effective way. It determines how well we maintain composure, not withdraw or overreact - and at the same time keep our emotional connection with our partner.

Our level of Differentiation determines our ability to "self validate" instead of heavily relying on our partner's acceptance of us and opinion of us.

Our level of Differentiation determines our ability to maintain our moral values and sense of personal integrity. For example, our ability to resist sacrificing our integrity to take the easy way out to avoid anxiety, conflict and disagreement.The process of developing our level of differentiation is an ongoing life-long growth process. It requires a willingness and ability to tolerate a certain degree of discomfort, to learn to manage the anxiety and to deal with conflict within ourselves and others. This process increases our capacity for intimate and rewarding relationships. Often marital problems present an opportunity to develop a greater level of differentiation, a stronger sense of ourselves, and a more effective way of relating to our partner.

father's day, birthday, Xmas

2009-12-05T16:26:00.001-08:00

drowning in debt

trying to get the bludgers off the gravy train

zero contact from my children, just rejection
my ex-wife says "who would want a father like you"?

happy xmas to all

what I do have is a beautiful loving new partner,

my passions in art, two dear friends up north, one brother and sister that I feel close to

subtle abuse

2009-12-05T16:22:00.001-08:00

This weekend I'd planned to get my 8 year old son to stay overnight. Early that morning my ex-wife messaged me asking where her money was. My son had just come out of intensive care in hospital with asthma. Ever since I've been married she has successfully blocked any of my kids staying over night here. When I rang my son he said he'd stay over. When I got there to pick him up he had changed his mind. He said that his mum said "it's your decision to stay there or not" So, you see how she doesn't encourage him. He also said to me when he does stay over she says she really misses him too much. He has to live with her and keep her happy. Subtle abuse. She could encourage him, couldn't she? No way. I said to him that I also miss him but I understand and love him very much. He also mentioned that on Xmas day his mum is working and dropping all my children over to my sister's ex-husbands for xmas lunch. Sick. Evil. Wrong. Why can't they come here?

"sometimes I can hear myself scream from a distance...."

2009-12-03T14:32:00.001-08:00

I heard this in a movie recently and it hit me like a semi-trailer truck. Sometimes a smallest thing will set me off. Looks like I will not see my children on Christmas. I will do whatever it takes though. I was talking to a dear friend about the fine line of trying to stop my ex-wife alienating the children against me by almost cross-alienating my kids against their mum in the process and educating them about parental alienation. My friend remarked that it's the same line sometimes.

I wrote my children a simple letter....

guys its dad,

its clear mum has been saying lots of mean things about me to you and from this you have rejected me.

I accept this is whats been happening and its very sad mum would do this.

I will let you decide to contact me when you want to.

I am always here if you want to talk or meet with me as I am and always will be your dad.
love you

Dad xo

Bill the 8 year old "dude"

2009-12-01T13:49:00.000-08:00

We are great mates and always get on well. He loves cars and know his cars also. I feel fairly secure in that I am spending enough time with him now. We see each other nearly every week. I think his memory of me is getting better and better. He is 8 years old now. He sleeps in his mothers bed still and every attempt I make to get him out fails. Sometimes I wish I could have him living with us here at home. When the marriage split up 5 years ago we made a decision to keep all the kids together. Maybe one day some of them will live with us?

So far only Bill and James, and sometimes Hannah talks to me, the other 4 have little of no interest. It seems Xmas lunch has been totally blown out of the water... news is that my ex-wife and my sisters ex-husband have allied together and with my kids and my sisters kids all having Xmas lunch together. Can you believe that? Not only has she and my sisters ex successfully alienated their kids against me and my sister, they are now damaging the cross relationships between my nieces and nephews and my sister's. Parental Alienation does exist. Once the damage is done all we can is is try to educate the children about what it is.

Bill is in Intensive Care . again :-/

2009-12-01T13:36:00.000-08:00

Poor little man. I got a call Saturday. He's in the local hospital yet again. Then overnight he was transferred to the Main Children's Hospital and put in "intensive care". I went to visit him and he seemed great. I must say that I felt the staff at the children's hospital were so much better than locally. He recovered very quickly. So, the cycle starts again. Asthma.

my 21 year son just flew out of town for 3 months

2009-11-24T01:56:00.000-08:00

I had beers with my son, James, on Sunday. He flew out of town last night to spend 3 months in south east Asia with one friend and meeting others later on. I have always been close to him. He hugs me whenever he sees me, even in a crowded place. He's always been so affectionate. I know he wears a brave face when he sees me. When he gets home he intends to move out of home. He said he needs to. It's great that he's recognised this now. I look forward to more time with him.

It hurts like a knife in the guts

2009-11-22T22:48:00.001-08:00

It hurts like nothing else. The sadness and emptiness of separation from my kids. Tonight I just sat here holding my head in my hands and crying. Close my eyes and burn...

How dare you escape and leave us behind

2009-11-10T19:52:00.001-08:00

I wish I could show you a photo from my recent wedding....itwas taken from my vantage point of our wedding. It's a classic photo in that it could well be a photo from a funeral, not my wedding. My parents and siblings look so downcast and rejected. Can't anyone accept me and join in my happiness that I am in love with a beautiful woman who loves me? None of my children are here either. My parents are facing away from me. My mum is hiding behind dad. My own family cannot put their own problems aside just for 30 minutes to show some love and happiness. I am totally embarrassed at how none of them have shown any initiative to invite us over for dinner to celebrate our wedding. Why do I bother ?

I have re-married now

2009-11-01T18:49:00.000-08:00

Well after 5 years I am now married again to a most beautiful woman. I couldn't be happier really. I feel so much more calm and relaxed. Having someone in your life who loves you as you are is refreshing. The wedding was beautiful. It was in a perfect setting on a perfect day. It was hard to not notice the body language and attitude of my parents and some in-laws. It was like they didn't want to be there. Why can't people just come to share in my happiness and not think about themselves so much.

None of my children attended. As mentioned in my last post. They are supporting their mum whether they know it or not. One day maybe they might see me differently. I managed ok though on the day.

Moving on has costs?

2009-10-13T16:05:00.001-07:00

It's been a while since I wrote here. 2 months to be almost exact. Yesterday my teenage son told me to fuck off and pushed me aside. My teenage daughter said I was a liar, dishonest and I had lost all my values and people who are Catholic don't get divorced. My smallest son doesn't want to stay overnight with me anymore either. My elder two daughters don't want to talk to me nor (apparently) ever see me again. My eldest son is ok though, but I am sure he's doing his best to defend the attacks and alienation from his mother. I am moving on with another woman and getting married again. My ex has ramped up her wrath.

My smallest son and I spent a few hours together in the park, and he has met my new partner and likes her but cannot come over cause he knows his mother is against it. I don't need to ask him if he liked my new partner but he does and he admitted that if his mother liked her he would stay overnight again. My ex would swear she encourages my kids to see me but her emotions and actions suggest otherwise. She lets them hear her conversations with me over the phone. Last week she ripped into me calling me a bastard and saying "who would want a father like you"? She then repeats the whole conversation from her point of view to the children. I have repeatedly asked her not to let the kids hear these conversations and she tells me they don't but I have clear proof that she wants the kids to hear. I've been accused of abusing my smallest son who suffers from Asthma. I had childhood asthma and was taught how to "breathe through the asthma" but up until Feb this year was so dependent on my inhalers. I threw them away and have not suffered asthma since. When I have been stressed I have felt a shortness of breathe come over me and I just use breathing exercises to gain back my normal breathe. I've taught this to my son also. Recently he was in hospital with asthma and I tried to talk to the doctors and nurses about the "causes" of asthma and that I wanted to take him out of that environment where he was being fussed over. I believe his asthma is used by his mother to validate her need to love him especially when he's sick, and he has learnt to let it happen cause it makes his mother love him more. When he used to come over to stay with me he never got asthma. I know it's stress related to making him try to understand adults concepts that are forced on him. He breathes in too much air and cannot exhale it properly. Poor little man. When I ask him about this he is so confused but does say it happens when he's feeling stressed.

SO, I am moving on and happy but it seems no one cares or thinks I deserve to be happy and loved by someone else. My ex probably believes because she can't have me than no one will. I wonder why she has photos of me in her home still. I asked her why she still wore her wedding rings 2 years after the divorce. Initially she said cause she likes the rings, but then she said that in the eyes of the Catholic church marriage was forever. Morality. My kids now use this against me as well. Alienation does exist. I have never said a bad word about my ex to my kids. They tell me to stop blaming their mother for trying to stop them from seeing me. She has now used reverse Alienation to support her emotions and views. My views here are not to badmouth my ex, but just to express my views on alienation and how much it hurts me, and children. Yesterday I managed ok. I am used to the sadness and empty feelings. After 20 years of marriage and 5 years of separation and divorce there are many ups and downs. I know my kids have been hurt and scarred and "maybe" one day they will see what has happened in reality. Letting go is hard. I still contact them regularly and unconditionally. They even accuse me of ignoring them and why should they accept my attempts at re-connecting now? Their mother has brainwashed them. I divorced her not my children but she tells them I divorced them as well. In their eyes they has lost their dad. Who wants a dad like me?

I also tried to get them all to Christmas lunch again for the 5th attempt. They will not come. They accept their mother's pain and anger but cannot accept my happiness. Moving on has a cost, but the cost of not moving on is more expensive. I am being true to myself. I have fallen in deep love with another woman. She is a huge support. Lovingly she accepts my family.

the 4th Commandment

2009-07-19T18:22:00.001-07:00

I have been reading Alice Miller's book entitled "The Body Never Lies". This is such an interesting eye-opening book and gives a realistic insight into what really goes on in early childhood. It flies in the face of parental morality and how I was raised. To quote a few passages ...

"The strange idea of having a God so that He does not punish me for my rebelliousness and disappointment, but instead rewards me with the love that forgives all, becomes just as much the expression of our childish dependency and insecurity as the assumption that, like our parents, God is in desperate need of our love. But is this not a completely grotesque idea? A higher being dependent on inauthentic feelings dictated by morality is strongly reminiscent of the insecurity displayed by our frustrated and disorientated parents. Such a being can be called God only by people who have never questioned their own parents or thought about their dependency on them"

Enforced love does harm. We don't need rules and regulations. If a parent loves a baby, a child then they will love them back. If a parent abuses a child then the child has to love them and honour them back? Obeying a commandment cannot be the basis of love, or saying "oh well I probably deserved to be bashed or abused as a child by my parents. It hasn't really affected me"

The 4th Commandment is diametrically opposed to the laws of psychology.

This has led me to ask, What is Adulthood?
- means no longer denying the truth
-it would mean feeling the repressed suffering, consciously acknowledging the story remembered by my body at an emotional level
- integrating that story instead of repressing it
- termination of the harmful attachment to the internalised parents of childhood. Though we call it love it ain't love, more like control.

DHAMMAVADAKA

2009-06-09T18:41:00.001-07:00

Remember always that you are just a visitor here, a traveler passing through.Your stay is but short and the moment of your departure unknown.

None can I live without toil, and a craft that provides your needs is a blessing indeed.But if you toil without rest, fatigue and weariness will overtake you, and you will be denied the joy that comes from labour's end.

Speaking quietly and kindly and be not forward with either opinions or advice.If you talk much, this will make you deaf to what others say, and you should know that there are few so wise that they cannot learn from others.

Be near when help is needed, but far when praise and thanks are being offered.

Take small account of might, wealth and fame, for they soon pass and are forgotten.Instead, nurture love within you and strive to be a friend to all.Truly, compassion is a balm for many wounds.

Treasure silence when you find it, and while being mindful of your duties, set time aside, to be alone with yourself.Cast off pretense and self-deception and see yourself as you really are.

Despite all appearances, no one is really evil.They are led astray by ignorance.If you ponder this truth always you will offer more light, rather than blame and condemnation.

You, no less than all beings, have Buddha Nature within.Your essential Mind is pure.Therefore, when defilement's cause you to stumble and fall, let not remorse nor dark foreboding cast you down.Be of good cheer and with this understanding, summon strength and walk on.

Faith is like a lamp and wisdom makes the flame burn bright.Carry this lamp always and in good time the darkness will yield and you will abide in the light.

a whole weekend away with my young son

2009-04-07T21:17:00.001-07:00

I had great fortune to have a whole weekend away with my young son. it was a school camp and we got to spend great time together bushwalking, riding on boats, participating in musicial shows, eating meals and talking about stuff. every now and them he'd hold my hand and tell me that he loved me. melts your heart.

I had great fortune to have a whole weekend away with my young son. it was a school camp and we got to spend great time together bushwalking, riding on boats, participating in musicial shows, eating meals and talking about stuff. every now and them he'd hold my hand and tell me that he loved me. melts your heart.

parental alienation syndrome (PAS)

2009-03-31T18:32:00.001-07:00

Are there any lawyers or counselors in Sydney who are expert in this area? They all want to charge fees. when asked do they know what PAS is they all reply "we've had 20 odd years experience and we have seen everything". Still doesn't answer my question. My friend, who is well-versed says you need a strategy to fight PAS.

Time will tell

2009-03-25T21:31:00.000-07:00

Trying to see my older kids is hard cause they are living their own life now. Tried to organise a night at mine for dinner with them and their friends. Invited them 2 weeks ago. Got a call saying that two are working (?) and can't come. The other I'll see for coffee. I am trying.

Memorial for Gregg Eisenhauer

2008-12-11T12:30:00.001-08:00

Good Morning Concerned Parent:

Yesterday's memorial service in Georgia for Gregg Eisenhauer was very well attended and a loving testament to his life and memory. Many former colleagues and long time friends shared stories and anecdotes about Gregg and the positive effect he had on them during his all too short life. The officiating minister reminded us that Gregg's final decision was no indication of how he chose to live his life and that none of us truly understood what Gregg had been going through and what circumstances brought him to that choice. He also pointed out that the dreary rainy day was apropos of the state that Gregg most probably found himself in. It was a fitting tribute to a wonderful man and father. Thank you for your support and please continue to keep Gregg's children in your prayers.

The NPRA is committed to preventing this type of tragedy from occurring and has designated three areas that we will be focusing on:
1. A crisis hot line for parents undergoing divorce trauma.
2. A billboard campaign to bring attention to parental alienation and divorce/custody wars.
3. A legal defense fund to assist parents in need of services.

Please consider sending your tax deductible donation and designating which campaign you would like to support.
The NPRA will continue peaceful awareness demonstrations outside of the Fulton County Courthouse daily from 8-12 weather permitting. Please call or email if you wish to attend either the night before or morning of. 678-480-1550

A final note: Gregg's story has touched many people who have been in similar situations. Please keep your online posts responsible. A few lost souls are attempting to continue to smear Gregg even though he can no longer defend himself and his good name. Please don't respond with hate and acrimony, that is not productive nor honorable. The hate mongers aptly display their motives and I believe the best response is one that is clear. considered and compassionate.
Firing off an angry post just makes the poster look bad and unreasonable. I am by no means saying not to respond, just not to respond in kind. We have an opportunity to make things right by changing laws in GA and around the country and that can only be accomplished with a groundswell of support. It is much easier to support a cause that is passionate and just and not angry or vindictive. That's always worked for me.
From the Fathers 4 Justice website:
First they ignore you. Then they ridicule you. Then they attack you. Then you win.
from Mahatma Gandhi
In Peace,
Karen Wagner
www.npra.info

Atlanta Memorial Service Wednesday at 10:30AM and TODAY'S AWARENESS DEMONSTRATION

2008-12-05T03:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Concerned Parent:

We will be having a memorial service in the Atlanta area next week for those who wish to honor and remember Gregg Eisenhauer but can't get to Kansas City Saturday.

The service will be next Wednesday, December 10th at 10:30am at the chapel at:

St. Brigid's Catholic Church,

3400 Old Alabama Road
Johns Creek, Georgia 30022

Please feel free to spread this message to anyone that is interested.

DEC.5

TODAY'S PEACEFUL AWARENESS DEMONSTRATION AND MEMORIAL.

8AM-1PM IN FRONT OF THE FULTON COUNTY SUPERIOR COURTHOUSE, CENTRAL AND PRYOR STREETS.

PLEASE COME WEARING BLACK. THIS WILL BE A SILENT DEMONSTRATION IN HONOR OF GREGG EISENHAUER AND TO BRING ATTENTION TO THE UNJUST AND ILLEGAL WAY MANY PARENTS ARE TREATED BY SUPPOSED PROFESSIONALS: PSYCHOLOGISTS, GAL'S, ATTORNEYS AND JUDGES.

A huge thank you to the parents that showed up last night to prepare signs, strategy, etc. and to Steve for the fabulous flyers. You know who you are and now you know how appreciated you are!

Thank you,

Karen

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Arthur Schopenhauer, German Philosopher 1788-1860

a Must Read Article !

2008-12-04T13:38:00.000-08:00

By Terrence Popp

I am sorry to say that in most instances you can't have your cake and eat it too. I am a divorced man. I was caught by surprise and hit with it out of the blue. The woman files most divorces in America. It's easy; it's cheap for them because the man is more than likely the one who will pay for both sides of the process. The man then has to move out and set up residence while maintaining the family residence. This is all done while paying the attorney fees and don't let me forget child support. Most of the time the process comes to an end with a chapter 7 bankruptcies being filed and the man completely broken financially. Then the man has to come to terms with seeing his children 4 days a month and two weeks in the summer. This is the standard agreement as it stands in most courts in America. The man is forced to become nothing more then a voice on the phone and a check in the mail. The "friend of the court" treats the man with contempt. If the man looses his job it takes on average 5 months to get in front of a judge to try to get a reduction in his child support. Even then there is no guarantee it will be reduced. The average is 3 attempts to reduce support with arrearages not being forgiven. So the father is now labeled a "dead beat dad" and is in effect a criminal; all because he lost his job.

The Father who can under the "law" have up to "65%" of his pay taken out of his check, he has to work overtime and more then likely 2 or 3 jobs just to get by. All the time hoping that he is not dragged back into court so the x can extract even more blood money. The spacious house his children live-in with his now x wife cannot be duplicated for him. So now the man has no time for his children and a living situation that is unfit for the children to be exposed to.

Let's put 65% into perspective for those who can't grasp the concept of that number. Let's say, you bring home 3000 a month after taxes. One would think that is a good lower middle class living right? Wrong you just lost 1950$ of you money for the x wife house and the children you can't see. The court leaves you with 1050$ dollars a month to live on. So the court expects the man to pay for a home, utilities, car, food, medical, insurance and other unexpected expenses with 1050 a month. If you try to have it lowered you are a villain who only cares about money. If you can't or won't pay you become a criminal as the system stands now.

This is only tracking the tangible effects of the system. Now let's talk about the intangible. PRIDE, the man went from being a productive adult with a loving family to a powerless checkbook. The man has no control over his life, no say in his future other then he has to produce X amount of money or go to jail. The man with 4 days a month, with his children, in reality has no say or influence on how his children will grow up. Also the pressure of providing a fun environment for his children so they will want to come back! That is a tall order with no time, money and living in a bad part of town or a one-bedroom studio with no space. I have lived it, seen it, felt it and it is a terrible blow to a mans ego not to mention heart breaking. How much is a man to endure? When will it end? NEVER! Long after the man's death he will be bad mouthed and hated by his children because he was what god intended a mortal man.

We as men are not invincible or invulnerable we are but mere mortals. As time wares on us and the strain of the system crushes our sprit and robs us of our hope. We as men realize we have no say; we are nothing but a financial resource. The system through robbing us of our hope also takes our children away. We just fade away like the bad remnants of a nightmare half forgotten.

Now the X-wives after a few years complain about the hurt of the missing father from the Childs life. The man is again turned into a villain because he proved to be exactly what he is a "mortal man". Because of this his children will hate him and blame him for his absence. I have found that after 5 years the custodial parent, usually the mother, wants the father's involvement in the child's life, barring abuse or course. But more often then not, it is a little too little and a little to late.

So the mothers want the divorce, the check, and the father for there children. It can only be done if in the beginning the mother gives some form of physical custody to the father. The father needs to be made part of the process and have real influence and a real stake in his children's lives. Joint legal only means another pocket to suit. Then and only then can the phenomena of the absent father be stopped. Any thing less and guess who is to blame, "the mother".

Last case in point; we are "America the land of the free and the home of the brave"? Then why do we imprison more people per capita then Russia and China combined? Simple answer, most in prison had no father at home. So mothers of the world remember this when the bars slam shut on your child or while attending the early funeral of your child. I hope the check was worth it.

OPERATOR

TERRENCE POPP

SECONDCLASSCITIZEN.ORG

I am referring to the men of America who after the divorce is finalized and the smoke clears the father just fades into the background. The father is basically turned into a villain in court. He goes from living with his children everyday to 4 days a month and 2 weeks a year. If the father wants more time then he has to file a motion pay the fee's and basically prove to the court that he deserves more time and have the addition task of proving that it is in the best interest of the children that he have more contact. Does anyone out there think this is complete insanity?

PrancnWolf

Blairsville, Georgia

F.R.A.M.E.D. (Fathers Rights And Men Ending Discrimination)

Website / Blog: (www.FramedFathers.com)

MySpace Website: (FRAMED's)

(www.myspace.com/prancnwolf)

My Photo Tribute to Greg Eisenhauer

2008-12-02T13:51:00.001-08:00

GA Judge causes father to commit suicide!

2008-11-30T17:20:00.001-08:00

Dear Concerned Parent:

The board of the National Parents Rights Association (NPRA) is sad to report the suicide early this morning of one of our members, a loving father, Gregory Eisenhauer.
Greg lived in Alpharetta, GA and is survived by his three young children, Katie, John Patrick and David.

After a horrible three year court battle in Fulton County Georgia, Greg finally received the judge's decision on Wednesday the day before Thanksgiving.
That decision stripped him of any decision making in his children's lives and relegated him to "visitor" status with approximately 15% parenting time.

Greg was a pillar of the community, and despite the many false allegations perpetrated upon him (as is usual in these cases) he remained committed to gaining shared custody of his children.

His former wife's attorneys, Nancy Lawler and Pilar Prinz did a brilliant job along with the aid, assistance and complicity of the Guardian ad litem, Susan Hurst; the Court Evaluator, Elizabeth King and the children's counselor Sandy Bastianello in breaking this father, financially and emotionally and casting aspersions on his good name. Greg was a wonderful, involved and loving father at all times.

Judge Bensonetta Lane decided to rubber stamp the Court appointed evaluators rather than listen to the NPRA independent evaluators.
Dr. Monty Weinstein and Karen Wagner testified as to Greg's fitness as a parent and the need to grant him shared parenting in the children's best interest.

Please keep Greg and his children in your prayers. He will be truly missed.
There will be a memorial service for him with details to follow.

Sincerely,
Dr. Monty Weinstein and Karen Wagner
www.npra.info
Donations to NPRA can be make in Greg's name and will be used to provide legal assistance to parents.

PrancnWolf

Blairsville, Georgia

F.R.A.M.E.D. (Fathers Rights And Men Ending Discrimination)

Website / Blog: (www.FramedFathers.com)

MySpace Website: (FRAMED's)

(www.myspace.com/prancnwolf)

Happy Season?

2008-11-25T14:11:00.001-08:00

Last weekend while me and my 7 year son had a lovely weekend together he pops up nonchalantly and says "Dad, did you really lose all our money and that's why we don't have a 3 storey house anymore?" I was driving the car at the time and almost ran off the road. Always mindful of how I respond to his questions I said "wow that's a big question little man where did you hear that story from?". He replied that his Mum told him a few days ago. I decided to leave it there as he is 7 and cannot understand adult concepts nor should he be brought into issues like this that don't concern him at all. I then wrote a letter to his mum as worded below....

"I am bit disturbed by the story that little son relayed to me this last weekend. Out of the blue he told me that I lost all the families money and that's why he didn't live in the 3 storey home anymore and that mum had told him this. I don't care what is said about me but I do care about what is told to our son. He is 7. He is a little boy that shouldn't have adult concepts put on him. I make sure I never talk about you in a negative way to the kids and I hope you will do the same for me please."

This is clearly abuse in the cloak and dagger form of Parental Alienation.

On another note I am trying to see all my kids this Christmas....

Also I have sent all the children an email requesting that they and I have a meal or some time together over Christmas. So far one has replied in the positive and another asked if i was coming to a family Christmas at my sisters place. I am not going to my sisters place. I have my personal reasons. They are all in their own process and living their own lives which is great. I just continue to send them unconditional forms of love when I can. I can't force a response. It seems i can't even expect a response.

life

2008-10-14T05:34:00.001-07:00

I am away for 2 weeks having a rest and a holiday, which I believe I deserve. 25 years of working my arse off raising 7 kids, paying for everything and bailing them out when they're in trouble. I look for nothing in return anymore. I'd love some respect and acceptance maybe. But that seems too much to be wanting I guess. I am getting the most awful messages from my eldest daughter. "Like its obvious you're away somewhere having fun and mum has no money and I am sleeping on the floor and it affects us all. And don't take it out on mum"

The truth is that their mum does get all her money on time. The fact that the children are relaying stories to me means that she is telling the kids something. its alienation pure and simple

No matter what I do in their eyes I am fucked. no matter where I am, who I am with, nothing is good enough. Sucks huh. even my parents question my every movement.

P.S. Here is the letter I wrote to my older children at this time.... cause while I was away I got a nasty note from one of them...

Dear daughters,

I am writing to you to let you know that contrary to what you might be hearing at home I always pay Mum on time. Last week my employer decided to dock my fortnightly brokerage payments by more than $X,000. The legal people in my firm and currently trying to get all this back. I contacted mum when I became aware of this and just warned her that there "may" be a delay or problem. As it turned out I earned enough that week to both cover the $X,000 and pay the money I pay religiously every fortnight for the family. As we both changed banks to the X-bank there has been a delay in transferring all the money to mum in one go and had to happen in 3 deposits.

I work very hard to be able to give her the amount of money I do and I also have to pay for my own accommodation/food and bills. I am presently having a holiday because you know what, I deserve one. My airfares were paid for 6 weeks ago by my employer. My accom expenses are exactly $XX a day. Food is cheap here as well.

I love you all and I will always support you through mum while I am working and earning money. This is really none of your business but as you are being dragged into it by mum I thought I would explain my side of the situation because as you know every coin has two sides to it.

It is a shame that Mum has involved you in her pain and you are now walking around carrying her anger and sadness. How sad is that.

Daughters, you are both old enough to understand what is happening and that the marriage is over, I will never go back to mum and that is the end of it.

love Dad XO
p.s. if you want to talk about this or anything I want to listen to you, ok?

Tiffany's

2008-07-29T19:06:00.001-07:00

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond

bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying
complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day,
Madam. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been
there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the
price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit
your pants when I tell you the price.'

PAS - thinking back

2008-07-23T18:25:00.001-07:00

Thinking back over the past years of trying everything in the book to get closer to my children I have come to the realisation that I just need to love them unconditionally with no (NO) expectation or attachment to anything in return. This is easier said than done but my heart aches for them, to see them, to even get a phone call when they're in trouble. I know the older ones have gotten on with their lives and I am more than happy for them. I know I need to let them go too. Its a lesson for all concerned I guess. Some nights it gets hard for me. I do wonder why they never call me just to say hello. I do feel they are moving on and more accepting of what's happened to their parents. Probably more the littler ones as their memory of being at home with them is less than the older ones. Their mother seems to have moved on but is still hanging on. She may never ever fully let go or move on and it;s not for me to be concerned with really.

my 17 year old daughter

2008-07-09T16:43:00.000-07:00

After almost three years my daughter has finally wanted to come over to my place and visit me for the day. She was badly damaged as far as my relationship with her when her Mum let her deliberately hear a telephone conversation to me where her Mum ripped into me verbally abusing me and everything I stood for as a father and a man. This was a common experience for all my kids when I was at home. I'm a peaceful man and a loving father, but after a while of verbal abuse and mental torture I finally cracked and left. Ever since then my daughter has been alienated against me and had received constant bad verbage from her Mum against me and how I destroyed her life and the children's. This was done to all my siblings, my parents and friends from the schools and church.

Finally though after some success as I mentioned in my post "a huge turn-a-round" my kids started slowly turning back to me one by one and thankfully this daughter in particular who at one stage I didn't see, or speak to for 10 months has almost turned around to me and now are rebuilding our relationship and friendship. It has broken my heart. Now this week when she came over I thought she may have been on a mission from her Mum but she came of her free will and we had a great time together. She even wanted to make me dinner! She went home and my 15 year son stayed for three days and we hung out like mates which was so good.

PAS is like trying to take a bunker box on a hilltop in a war with heavy casualties ! Two steps forward and one step backwards. I've learned to develop loads of courage and fortitude and determination to push on regardless of any outcome. In fact, I generally has no expectation of any outcome less I feel dashed.

kids can't handle adult concepts

2008-06-29T22:29:00.001-07:00

I asked my 6 year old what he prayed about at night before he went to sleep and he said that he and mummy pray for me to come home. I asked him what the place was where we were both at now (we were staying overnight at my place), and he answered "your place". We talked about generally. It appears that he is being forced to consider what his mum still wants. until she lets go and accepts where she is at the kids will never be allowed to accept that mum and dad are no longer living together and then their lives can move on. but it shits me cause I am helpless. I will write her another letter demanding that this abuse stops now or I will do what I suggested last time grrrrrrr

old habits die hard

2008-06-26T01:07:00.000-07:00

I asked my youngest (boy age 6) how things were at home with his siblings and he said "it would be better if you were there". I asked him what he meant and he didn't know. was he repeating what he hears at home? interesting....

That's The Way

2008-04-14T16:42:00.001-07:00

I don't know how I'm gonna tell you, I can't play with you no more,
I don't know how I'm gonna do what mama told me, My friend, the boy next door.
I can't believe what people saying, You're gonna let your hair hang down,
I'm satisfied to sit here working all day long, You're in the darker side of town.

And when I'm out I see you walking, Why don't your eyes see me,
Could it be you've found another game to play, What did mama say to me.

*That's The Way, Oh, That's The Way it ought to be,
Yeah, yeah, mama say That's The Way it ought to stay.

And yesterday I saw you standing by the river,
And weren't those tears that filled your eyes,
And all the fish that lay in dirty water dying,
Had they got you hypnotized?

And yesterday I saw you kissing tiny flowers,
But all that lives is born to die.
And so I say to you that nothing really matters,
And all you do is stand and cry.

I don't know what to say about it,
When all you ears have turned away,
But now's the time to look and look again at what you see,
Is that the way it ought to stay?

That's the way... That's the way it oughtta be
Oh don't you know now, Mama said.. that's the way it's gonna stay, yeah.

my eldest (now 24)

2008-04-01T22:47:00.001-07:00

well we had a great talk and all seems back on the mend now.

a huge turn-a-round

2008-04-01T22:45:00.001-07:00

well after much debate I finally wrote a letter to my ex telling her that I was losing my children and that I wanted it all to stop; the brain-washing and moral judgement otherwise I would turn off all the money I was sending through. within a day I noticed a huge change. I started receiving information about the kids, they started calling me and when I went over they were very receptive. the letter set a firm boundary, now I need to work on myself and keep boundaries in place in all areas of my life. relieved...

if it rares its ugly head again I will remind her that I can turn it all off....

my eldest (23)

2008-03-25T21:23:00.001-07:00

I have been trying to contact her for ages on phone mainly and thought I'd see her Easter sunday to no avail. I sensed she's avoiding me. I finally got a reply sms text message saying that she had a good easter and it was hard to tell me cos she loved me she doesn't really agree with anything I am doing at the moment so she can't meet up with me. She said she tried talking to me about this but that I wasn't forthcoming. She asked me to please understand it's just too hard for her right now.

I responded in that I am always available and wanting to discuss everything and wanted to talk. her wounds are open and hurting but I also see her mum talking here and wonder whether they are a combination of her emotions and her mum's? This is so hard. I feel I am losing my kids now and have decided with the help of a close mate to write her a letter about PAS and telling her to change as I am "drawing a line in the sand".

long easter weekend

2008-03-23T21:45:00.001-07:00

I called my ex last week to properly organise this long weekend and my time with the kids. I've learned that "asking for her help" is futile, so I communicate (tell her) in an adult way what I'd want to happen. we agreed to me coming over at 3.30pm sunday to pick up the 3 smaller kids as all of them would be home for a sunday lunch, so it was great I could see the older ones as I hardly get to see them anymore. when I got there the 2 older ones had just gone and I was upset because they could have waited for me to arrive (as I was on time). naturally their mum wouldn't have encouraged them to wait around for me. anyway when I got there I saw 5 of them at least and when I started to say lets get your stuff in the car I was given the reason why no one was coming over to stay with me. meanwhile my ex was apparently in her bedroom asleep. the youngest had a stayover at his neighbor's place organised for 2 weeks (obviously my ex let this escape her when we were talking?!), the 2nd youngest said that she had something else on and the 3rd youngest said her was going to work out with his mate next door..... so I felt like shit about then when I realised I could be leaving alone (again). after a talk with the kids and asking them what's happening I realise that even though their mum (my ex) was asleep the kids were kind of her spokespeople in that they were talking like she had given them instructions as to why the kids couldn't come over. anyway I stood my ground lovingly ans asked the 16 yr daughter (with whom I've been really struggling for 3 years now to get near) if she'd like to come out for a few hours with me and visit my parents (whom they hardly see as I feel they have been alienated as well, shit is that called Grand-parental Alienation Syndrome?) and she agreed which made my day ! we then went to visit my parents with 3 kids. while over there the older daughter kept telling my youngest "oh your friend will be very upset if you don't stayover at his place tonight". talk about putting words in his little mind.... and as we spent more time together my youngest told me in a whisper in my ear that he wanted to come over and stay with me.... he whispered so his siblings couldn't hear him, maybe he was scared at their backlash? I know my kids very well. I know I'm a loving good father. So I took them all home again and my youngest packed his bags (because they weren't already packed) and came back with me. it's obvious my ex is doing something to ward the kids against me.... When I dropped my boy to his home just now I came to the door and while they all saw me they just ignored me completely.... like a stray dog had come to the door. the kids may love me but show no respect at all to me, not that I want them to be false but I'd love some acknowledgment and some respect when I come to visit them. coming home in the car I was thinking that some of them may realise what's happening one day... then again some of them maybe will not.... i've also realised that my ex has indeed alienated my parents from the kids as well... anyway I am trying to focus on the positives that this weekend my youngest and I had a blissful 24 hours together !!!

parental alienation - great video

2008-03-14T21:41:00.001-07:00

parental alienation exists where one parent talks badly about the other parent when the child is listen or can hear.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQIXAjC_v50

one parent alienated the kids against the other parent is "building a house of cards" that will come crashing down one day.
kids get forced to choose one parent over another with often drastic long term effects.

dashed again. . .

2008-03-14T15:16:00.001-07:00

this weekend I was all organised to take my kids to the Zoo. I spoke to my 13 yr old daughter yesterday and she asked me to drive her to a girlfriends birthday party and I replied "what about the zoo'. she had forgotten. this morning my 6 yr old son called and said "dad i'm sick plus I have a mate's birthday party to go to so I can't come to the zoo". I asked for him to put his Mum on the phone. conversations with her are usually hard work cause she always brings up the fact "that I left her and the kids" and 'it's my fault I never get to see them'. I asked her the courtesy of letting me know when plans change with as much notice as possible. I asked if she could work a little bit harder in encouraging and reminding the kids that you're seeing Dad this weekend. instead i'm coming off second best and being snowballed like today. my heart sinks when this happens and I know she isn't helping my cause to see my kids while she still holds onto the fact that "I left them and its my fault". I asked her if the kids were listening to this telephone conversation, as she usually lets the kids listen, or I know that the kids can hear her in the background. she denies it. but I know from when we were married living together.... I remember how the kids would walk in the house and hang their heads when they heard her talking.....

i'm so sad and feel completely useless and helpless right now. I have a very loving and understanding new partner, at least i'm not alone in that sense. so today my plans have been dashed. the kids don't really understand whats happening. I Miss them so much. tomorrow I will see two of my boys at sports. today and tonight i'll keep myself busy with work or my photography, maybe tonight i'll go out and listen to music. just now I got a sms text on my mobile from their mum asking "can you help with sports registration and boots?" amazing!

Footprints In The Sand

2008-03-13T14:15:00.000-07:00

This weekend with my kids

2008-03-02T05:01:00.000-08:00

I realised when I saw my kids this weekend that I am losing my influence over them and they are growing up and away from me. They all live with their Mum, except the eldest. It isn't that I want to control my kids but it's that they live with their Mum and she is very dominating and I am sure the kids wear her emotions and can't tell what's going on. When they come over I see a physical change come over them. At their home they change back again to compensate. It's hard for their Mum to watch and care for all of them. We decided to keep them together so as to not split them up. I think I lose as well here. I feel completely useless and helpless and like I can't make a difference in their lives. I see the way they now treat eachother at their home and feel powerless to help and direct them while they live under her roof. One day some of them may come to live with me I hope. This weekend she said that my youngest was sick all week. On friday she rings me 6 times chasing up my money for the Child Support saying that she had to get him to the doctors. I then found out that there was no doctors appointment at all. No matter what I say or do she finds fault in it. I don't let her control me anymore.

weekend with my young son

2008-02-17T15:09:00.001-08:00

as arranged I arrived to collect my son from their new home. I stopped inside and saw most of my other children. my ex wife tried to convince me that he wasn't well and needed to not stayover at my place, so please bring him home early. I said no our arrangements were made and confirmed to have him overnight and return him sunday afternoon. I'm glad I stood firm with her as in the past she could ride over me and make decisions. so we went for donuts and shakes with my younger daughter as well. she went back home and my son and I took off for the weekend or bike riding, walks, playstation, reading books and general stuff together. he decided to stayover which was great.

I realised when he was with me that I only see him fortnightly and maybe weekly after school and how it was hard to feel like I was making any impact or difference in his life as a young 6 year old boy. I don't even know whether he has clear memories of me living with him at home as a family. maybe that's a great thing in that he has moved on and accepts me where I am now. I need to address my feelings when I can't see him. through experience and reading and counseling I have learnt to address my feelings. I have learnt heaps about boundaries. They are both to keep shit out of my life, like when I'm attacked by my ex or well-meaning family and friends, and also to protect me from within, eg, my hurts and feelings. when I can't see my kids I feel empty, bare and naked and need to address those real emotions and feelings then use my free time or weekends for myself and the goodness of myself and my new family members in my partner and new friends. this made me ask a mate "on what side of the boundaries do you keep your feelings"? sometimes I push them over the fence cause it hurts too much, but I know now that I need to leave them on the inside and deal with them so I become stronger and through experience more resilient.

The more I see my youngest son the more we can bond and the more we can be father and son.

my dad

2008-02-12T20:54:00.001-08:00

my dad aged 74 just dropped into my office to say hello. I'm the eldest of 6. he has taken my new life well by all accounts really. he said that he wanted to see more of his grand-kids (my kids) and found it hard as they were always so busy. he further went on the say how all his own kids (me included) were hard to get a hold of to see. 3 generations, him, me and my kids all trying to see eachother. while we multiply and populate we spread ourselves out further and further and have less contact. my dad was rather controlling in my life. we had a good confrontational meeting a few years back where I expressed how I felt while under his control. he didn't like it but we are so much closer because of it. it was great to see dad pop in to see me. I see in his eyes the longing to be with his kids, and see my own self there wanting to see my kids more and more. I get accused by my ex as making it hard cause I "left her", well she says "I left the family", "I divorced her and the kids" .... anyway. separation and divorce make it hard for all parties I know. my ex says that she misses the kids when I have them over.... what about me?

emptiness

2008-02-12T14:04:00.001-08:00

its mid-week and i have finally secured a weekend with my youngest definitely and maybe the next two youngest. I am picking him up sat 9am and returning him 4pm sunday. his mum relented eventually. she isn't happy still about her "immorality" concerns of me and who I'm living with. she tries to control me still after 3.5 years. maybe when (if) she lets go, then she'll move on? but I'm excited to see my kids. we'll do fun things that they want to do.

during this week thankfully I've been very busy at work. and every now and then when I least suspect it.... it's like being hit with a bat.... triggered by a visual or a feeling or a memory. like entering a blackened room

how do my kids feel ?

2008-02-10T20:58:00.001-08:00

I don't know exactly. I guess they are hurting. Hopefully the hurt will go away after a while. They all live with their mum, well the eldest (23) has moved out. The ones that I see regularly, the younger ones I see more of are the ones i see visible changes come over them. when I pick them up they are apprenhensive (normal) and as they settle in again around me become very comfortable; and when I take them home I can see a visible change come over them as they appear to "close down emotionally" from me and leave the car quickly. I feel for them when I drop them off and my heart sinks.

my ex says that they are deeply hurt when they get home and sometimes cry all night. I know if she moved on in her life and accepted me and that would come out indirectly with the kids too. I told her that we both need to be cheerful in front of the kids for their sake. she finds that hard as she is still grieving. and I accept and understand that.

that's why i'm insisting on fortnighly stayovers. I need as their dad quality and quantity time. I love being a father. I think i'm a natural.

some of them may never come around. some may realise when they are adults and have relationships problems etc.....

I justtry to send them my love in all shapes and sizes and formats in letters, cards, sms, phone calls etc and I do that unconditionally with no expectation of a return. I guess that way I don't get disappointed when there is no reply...... but I try hard to convey my love always and forever and maintain that I will always be there for them. I know i'm a good dad and father, but sometimes the emptiness is like a huge abyss and I can't see a way out. then I fall alseep.

I make positive affirmations that talk about unconditional love, and I know one day we will be together again.

child support agency

2008-02-10T19:13:00.000-08:00

I called them today to try to sort out my payment responsibility. I can stop payments whenever I like. I cannot ask them to change payments from the current "private" to through them unless my ex-wife does this. I mentioned my custody problems. they refer me to Family Relationships Advice Line at nth ryde. 5 week waiting list. no need as H has agreed to fortnightly custody. but that could change.... I asked the CSA if they could help me send the money to the kids for the right reasons. I hae no control over where the money is spent. I pay the school fees direct. She chooses to rent expensive homes and complains that I am not supporting them properly because she has no money left over. When she she needs money for car rego etc she tells family and friends that I don't support them properly. Her mother called my mother and abused her over the phone . I asked CSA what they provided in ways support and assistance to people like me. They are just a "official government " body that may save Centrelink some welfare expense? they were very helpful over the phone I must admit.

spoke to my ex-wife on the phone to get access to my children

2008-02-10T19:11:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I was all ready to see my kids especially my 6 year son. I had sent 4 messages to confirm theis with no response. I call up on Friday evening to confirm and get the response... " he is sick, and the others don't want to come over and besides I'm not happy with the kids staying overnight whne you are living with another woman. Plus we just moved and they would all rather stay here and enjoy their new home."

I felt like shit. I felt like I ran in second best. There always seem to be a reason why they can't see me. last night as I went to bed I felt totally empty. I really miss my kids.

I just felt so empty all weekend. Like there was a huge void in my life. I went about the weekend chores and great things I did with my partner but I felt numb all weekend. The sheer loss.

So recently she has blocked me seeing the kids based on the fact that I have another woman living with me. she says i'm immoral and exposing the kids to danger. she says that the kids don't want to stay over night either. she's full of grief, hurt and loss. we had a good talk about everything and I came back to the fact that the kids needed to see me regularly and they are ok safety wise. she agreed to letting me see them over night each fortnight. so from now one I pick them up sat 9am and return them 4pm sunday. which leave friday nights free.

she asked me to say sorry to her for all the hurt, as I felt it was her way if saying she wanted to move on but couldn't let go. I say it was never my intention to hurt her so much and I was sorry.

we talked about moving forward for the sake of the kids and we needed to be happy around the kids so they could move on in turn.

she is getting counseling from centrelink but she can't afford it. she said the lady at the local church was condescending. interesting.

I was able to talk freely and we actually had a good talk about everything. I said to her that we needed to be like this for our kids sake and the sake of our sanity. she asked why I had to be with someone who she knew as it made it very hard. as far as im concerned it wouldn't matter who it was she would be hurt. she tries to tell me that the kids feel the same way but really its about her not them.

Take Time Out

2005-07-10T00:10:00.000-07:00