7th Xmas coming up

Xmas means nothing to me anymore. It's my seventh Xmas trying to get my kids together, but after last years debacle I will not try again. So fuck Xmas sorry folks but I need to be genuine and if that offends you well sorry. So this year it's just me and my new wife and we'll just have a easy day or two together. 

is there a secret to moving on in life and leaving the pain in the past ?

Yes, there's always a chance of bringing my past problems into my new life. Having a desire to change my future means strategically planning why it will be different, how it will look, and how it will feel. Firstly. I had to realise that there are some things I cannot change, I cannot control, and I cannot worry about anymore. Then realise that secondly, I need to leave those things in the past and not them come into my present or my future and affect me here. Sounds simple I know, but it's so true and effective when realised and dealt with. Rejection suffered by anyone is real and has a potential to affect present and future life and relationships (if you permit it). Being rejected by loved ones isn't easy to deal with, but after a while it does become easier. Seeking help and learning how to cope and hope is a real key. Being aware that you don't have all the answers nor strategies to help yourself is a first big realisation. One big step for the rest of your life. Asking for help. Admitting you don't know where to go next. It's probably called growing and maturing is self awareness. 

hard to explain and hard to know when

sometimes I break down and cry till I am curled up in a ball dry reaching and heaving in pain for my kids

Pat

I am for once now not hiding my identity about my name and my children. Pat is 10 soon. My youngest of seven. We are close. We spend 2 days and nights together every fortnight. Parental alienation hurts everyone. I see him here and I love him so much and miss him so much. And I see the hurt and pain and confusion in him being used to alienate me. I miss my other children so much. They made it clear they aren't interested in me or my new life. I will never give up though.

PAS never dies it seems

I have no ways of communicating to my youngest son now except through another of his sibling's mobile phone. Their home phone is disconnected and has been for a while. I am not sure whether they have a new line or not. His mum's phone was also disconnected and she rarely answers my calls or messages. I do, however, receive messages from her when she wants money. I see my son every fortnight and he stays over 2 nights. He has his own space and room and loves coming over. Each time he goes home now I miss him very much. I recorded (DVD) and role-played a conversation with my ex-wife in college. I raised the topics of money, communication and alienation. My college team member was briefed and I was able to have a conversation that actually provided some mutual benefits and outcomes for all involved. It was a reflective experience being able to see myself on screen and how I communicated. I felt like I was actually talking to her. This has helped me enormously. 

Worldwide activity about Parental Alienation

I have joined several social networking sites with the view to stay in contact with people around the world focussed on Parental Alienation. It is gaining a large awareness everywhere. I was encouraged years ago to keep a blog mainly for my own development, education and care. Linking up with other parents has been good. There are some that focus on other tangents and areas of family and parenting.

I was encouraged years ago to keep a blog mainly for my own development, education and care.

I have to completely rebuild my schema as a man, a father and a partner. I am sure many parents would concur that the way your life was built from childhood has to be questioned and analysed. How we were raised is not necessarily how we would raise our own children. We all make mistakes and try to do our best.

It's just a shame that children suffer in families of all forms. Alienation is NOT only a result of divorce nor separation. It does exist in happy marriages. Once I become aware of  Parental Alienation and its devastating affect on families, parents and children I was horrified. Once aware you see it in daily life, on the streets, in public transport, on media everywhere.

It seems our human race is hell-bent on destroying relationships of any kind. 

Parental Alienation. The list of guilty include both men and woman.

It has been used as a tool or weapon if you like, to win residency battles, to further financial reward from the split up and in a very high percentage of cases, to simply punish the targeted parent for whatever pathetic reason the perpetrator may have. 

False allegations of abuse, including sexual abuse, levelled against the targeted Parent by the perpetrator, seem in many cases to go hand in hand here, again as a tool and again mostly unchecked.

There does not seem to be any recourse under normal circumstances for the targeted and for the damage done to the children, and there certainly does not appear to be procedures in place to arrest the situation on an urgent basis.

If the abuse is allowed to remain, often the targeted and the children's relationship is severed and the children develop behavioural problems in time, as a result.

It is hard to figure out why a parent would subject their siblings to this kind of abuse, as any parent who does is nothing short of a bad and undeserving parent and is in fact a disgrace to parenthood and for those of us who have or are still going through it, we may never know why.

There are many things that we can do to minimise the effects, the most important being to gather ourselves up in such a way that we might be able to make some positive impact on the situation, but there is one thing for sure and that is that if we don't try and go about it the right way, we will not make a difference.

The aim of this gender neutral site is to help those targeted and the children subjected to it, because if we do not help the children then in a way we are abandoning them to the evil ways of the abuser and throwing away any chance of a reasonable relationship as well as allowing the negative aspects of Parental Alienation to have effect on the children's lives.

It must be remembered that it is always better to promote peaceful resolution rather than conflict and this site is for those that find themselves in a position where they have no option but to fight due to the actions and attitudes of the other person.

The founder of this site has been to hell and is on the way back, but accepts that you can never get back totally as there will always be some damage done along the way. The founder also accepts that life will never be the same and has made mistakes largely due to over trusting others, ignorance and being too emotionally involved, that have cost in various ways.

If this site can help you into not making some of the same mistakes that I and others that i have spoken to have, and assist you and your children towards a better outcome, then it will have been all worth while.

I have learnt that the best thing you can do for yourself and your children is to follow some very important do's and don'ts that are in part published over various sites, available here on the "you must" and "you must not" pages. Most of these have been learnt by the author in one way or another, but all are very appropriate to the task of helping yourself and your children, please have a look.

The author also believes to be better armed to combat alienation, you first must have a good understanding of what it is. For this, I recommend that you take a look at this UK site, http://www.parental-alienation.info/ you will find literature on many aspects of Parental Alienation.

Now to you ... You must, however hard it is and as much as possible, step outside the emotional circle that you are in, it is very difficult to be able to make correct observations and decisions from within that circle. It is easier to make them looking in from the outside, and you need to be as objective and as accurate as possible, if you are going to make a difference.

The only way you are going to get any change to the situation is through your own effort and commitment, do not expect others to make change unless you initiate and follow through, others will help and support you along the way, but if you back off, so will they.

Many find joining a support group invaluable, but be ever vigilant of gender specific negativity that can exist in some groups, you do not need to be a man or woman hater as this will only poison you and detract from your task.

You need to survive first, you are the most important person to look after in this situation, if you go down you will not be able to help your children. You will need "time out" from the situation and you must take it, do not allow yourself to be completely enveloped by the situation, do not "live it" 24/7 or it may destroy you and any friendships, relationships etc that you may have left.

Generally, people do not want to see or hear you talk about nothing other than your situation all the time, they will tire of it, so don't overly subject them to it or they may avoid you.

If you are innocent of any abuse accusations do not be threatened by them, stand up for yours and the children's rights and for justice.

what you overhear

Today on the bus I overheard two young women discussing what there were buying for their dad at xmas. Looking at this objectively and thinking "Isn't that nice". My daughters wouldn't be discussing things like this. How far removed are they from each other? It doesn't matter. I checked my feelings on the bus and looked at what response I used to give a situation like this before. People say, just move on mate. Yes, easier said that done. I bought a beer on the way home and the barman said he wasn't looking forward to xmas day and having to spend it with strangers (his family) he only sees twice a year. I think some of my kids are now "strangers". 

Xmas is a strange time. It means nothing to me spiritually anymore. After 10's of years of believing it did I feel no regret. My kids all say I've changed and my values and morals have changed. I agree totally. I say I have become who I really am. That annoys them no end. Usually with rolled eyes or snickers. But seriously xmas and the commercialism that binds it is a joke. What is good about it is what it means to my 9 year son. Now that is what I enjoy. Seeing his face light up with excitement. That I can share in. 

I will now see him on Xmas day in the late afternoon and he'll stayover a night. I can't imagine what he feels sometimes. 

I will never give up though

The aftermath of the meeting with 6 of my 7 children a few weeks back is still seeping through me. What conclusions I draw from this is clear now though. They don't want to see me and my new wife. I have alienated myself from them. Their mum never says a bad word about me. They don't accept me now, nor trust me now, nor even want to say that they love me. I'm sick of bashing my head in over this. I will never give up though. But I will give up on bashing myself up over it emotionally. 

From the "Pogues" - happy chrisrmas you arse !!

People say "never give up" and "time is a healer"

Where to now? They are all very hurt, angry and don't trust me. They don't want to see me with my new wife over Christmas or any other time together. I'll never give up, although they believe I gave up 7 years ago. They tell me that I alienated myself from them and that their mum has never said a bad word about me.

I have had serious anxiety and post-PAS stress this past week.

My door is always open to them. I will always be ready to talk, to listen. For now it seems my only contact will be when and if they are ready. It will appear like I don't care. But they have re-set the boundaries.

In a sense I am glad it has come to a head like this. I am glad I heard my ex-wife slamming me and my wife. I am glad I now have proof of what she says to my children. I am glad I have evidence of the harsh and damaging alienation. She denies it. They all support her and deny my claims. All I can is try to educate them, but even that has been shot down in flames.

I have documented the 90 minutes of our meeting last week. I have documented every word that everyone said as best I can.

I have tried to move on after this, but every now and then when I slow down or something triggers it, I am overwhelmed and wished sometimes I could switch off. They are all old enough to make their own decisions. I respect that. I am saddened by the weight of anger and of the alienation dealt out by their mum and blamed on me. I am not responsible for this, she is though.

I still have my 9 year old son, who delights in our time together. He is being used as a pawn in her game. She said to him (when I overheard from a phone left off the hook) "I will not stop you seeing your dad at Christmas, you know you can go whenever you want, but I will miss you badly on Christmas morning". My son accepted her manipulative control. He has been dragged into this now. That is wrong.

Meeting with 6 of 7 children

It's going to be hard to write here exactly what happened as I am still digesting and disseminating what happened last night. As a result of my over hearing how my ex-wife alienates the children against me I demanded a meeting with the kids. It was shifted a day but I was impressed they all turned up.

It was the start of a lengthy healing process that "maybe" would lead further to reconciling our differences and re-starting a father-child relationship. But, I had no intentions or desired outcomes other than to start something.

I told the kids how I overheard their mum. I told them how shocked but not surprised to hear her talk about me, my wife and my sister in a lying derogatory way.

Alienation comes in many forms and severity but this was pure, clever and so damaging. Hearing the way she talks about herself being in trouble and her complete co-dependency on the children confirmed to me how the children have been conditioned to support and protect her and look for the reason why she is so depressed, unhappy and looking for help. The children have to live with her, they have to support her, she has the ability to shed her emotions very strongly onto other people. When I was married to her I likened it to a heavy form of oppression. Perhaps that was a fault of not having strong personal boundaries for myself. As a "passive pleaser" I drew this out of her freely and willingly.

But imagine if you can the sight of sitting at a table with 6 children with red eyes, crying, shouting and telling me how much they hate me, but love me also.

The crux of the meeting came when my oldest son said when he comes home to find his mum curled up in bed balling her eyes out in total desperation and how this deeply affected him and made him feel that exact same way. And likewise when she's in a good mood, so is he. They all nodded in agreement. They further added that I was the cause of this and how could I manipulate and treat such a wonderful human being like this.

This spoke strongly to me. My ex shares everything with the children. They deny she does this. The protect her at all lengths. When I asked them how did these bad things they repeated that I abuse her with money, and that I should be looking after them (financially and morally).

It shows my ex-wifes total refusal to move on in life, to accept her situation, and let the children go from her damaging ways. He co-dependency on them will kill them.

No matter what I said it was shot down. They had an answer or a rebuttal for everything.

I went there to expose my ex-wife for what I heard her say and then to start the education process about Parental Alienation. But they dismissed both as here-say and not legitimate.

They laughed and snickered at me and thought I was smug, self-righteous and indignant. They told me I was the one that alienated myself from them. I did lay down the law with the total lack of respect for me as their father, but this was shot down and my own fault.

There's a whole more to what happened and over these few weeks it will make more sense. I have no idea what will happen now. I did feel myself saying goodbye to some of them. One of them wanted to kill me he was so angry.

It was terribly sad to see how see how bad they were.

This is the reality of Parental Alienation and its thorough destruction of a once loving, healthy, vibrant father-child relationship.